


When a Nothing is a Something

by sglottalk



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Bechdel Test Pass, Bisexual Female Character, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Lesbian Character, Sexual Harassment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-08-12 08:47:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7928353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sglottalk/pseuds/sglottalk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Donna does not like Ivan because she thinks he is an immature jerk. Ivan does not Donna because she turned him down.</p><p>Then Ivan has a problem, and Donna is the only one he can turn to for help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [a_t_rain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_t_rain/pseuds/a_t_rain) in the [Bujold_Ficathon_2016](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Bujold_Ficathon_2016) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
> Ivan seems to have become more enlightened, or at least more enlightenedly self-interested, about women somewhere in between _Warrior's Apprentice_ and _Cetaganda_. We know his fling with Donna also happened somewhere in that time span. How did it change him?

At the party, Donna Vorrutyer was searching for an experienced man who would accept a casual yet intensely physical relationship. As she kept her eye on a couple of promising prospects, several Imperial Military Service Academy cadets came her way. Though she had to admit that one of them looked very attractive, she was _not_ in the mood to train a clueless young buck in how to give her what she wanted. She ignored them.

Unfortunately, they did not ignore her.

"Hey, gorgeous," said the really attractive cadet. "Are you looking for company tonight?"

"Yes, but not _your_ company," Donna replied.

"Wow, a woman rejected _Ivan Vorpatril_ ," said another cadet. "Ouch."

"Not just any woman, _Donna Vorrutyer_ rejected _Ivan Vorpatril_ ," said a third cadet. "Double ouch."

Ivan Vorpatril's cheeks went red.

Donna had no patience for immature young men at the moment. "If you're not going to leave, I will." Donna moved towards one of her prospects, Igor Vormurtos. She hoped that, even if they did not end up in bed together, Igor would at least be a better companion for the duration of the party.

***

It was not, in fact, the first time a woman had turned down one of Ivan's advances - but it was the first time he had been turned down _in front of his bunkmates_. Like everyone else, he knew Donna's reputation for being 'easy', so he had assumed that she would say yes. Otherwise, he would not have approached her in this company.

His bunkmates kept on ribbing him about it all night. It got worse when they saw Donna making out with Igor Vormurtos in a secluded corner. Igor Vormurtos was _fifty years old_ , and he looked his age - there was nothing at all special about his appearance.

Ivan knew he was going to hear jokes about how he's not nearly as popular with the ladies as _Igor Vormurtos_ for a long time. Fortunately Miles was off at Vorkosigan Surleau. Maybe he would never hear about this incident, if Ivan was lucky.

***

_Months later_

It was Ensign Ivan Vorpatril's second day as Commodore Jollif's aide-de-camp. An older man passed by.

"You must be the new boy" the man said.

"Yes, sir," Ivan replied. He could tell the man's rank by looking at his uniform.

"It's always a pleasure to see a new young face. I am General Lamitz." General Lamitz pulled something out of his pocket and put it on Ivan's desk. "Have some chocolate."

Ivan thought it was a little odd that a general was giving him chocolate, but this was just his second day at Operations. Maybe it was normal. 

As General Lamitz watched him, Ivan opened one of the chocolates and put it in his mouth. It was really good chocolate.

***

Viola Vortala, eighteen years old, had spent nearly all of her life in Vortala District and did not have much to do with the Vorbarr Sultana social scene. Nor was she likely to ever have much to do with it, since she had been admitted to Solstice University. However, she did decide to spend a few weeks in Vorbarr Sultana before continuing on to Komarr, and she asked her father's cousin, Donna Vorrutyer, to host her.

Donna was quite fond of her first-cousin-once-removed Viola. Much as she loved her brother Pierre and even her cousin Byerly, it was nice to have relatives who were _not_ Vorrutyers. And unlike most of her relations on her mother's side, including her 'progressive' grandfather Count Vortala, Viola did not care about Donna's scandalous reputation. Since Viola was unfamiliar with High Vor social life, Donna was happy to escort her to a dance.

Ensign Ivan Vorpatril, recently graduated from the academy, was also there.

When Ivan asked Viola for a dance, Donna thought nothing of it - people did tend to dance with other people at dance parties after all, and as far as Donna knew, Ivan behaved in a manner typical for young Vor men.

Actually, the behavior of typical young Vor men was on occasion quite bad. Donna regretted not being more alert.

Donna was in the middle of dancing with Duard Vorkeres when Viola came up to her in tears. Donna broke off from Igor immediately, and gently guided Viola to a corner. 

Ivan followed them to the corner.

"Can't you see that we're a little busy right now?" Donna asked Ivan.

"I said no!" Viola said, still in tears.

"Sheesh, why do you have to cry about it?" Ivan asked.

"I think it would be best if you _went away_ ," Donna said.

"Look, I just asked if she would come to my apartment tonight," replied Ivan, exasperated.

"And I said NO, and you kept asking!" Viola said.

"Well, I didn't know what you meant by 'no'. Maybe you really meant 'yes'. Lots of girls _want_ to come with me. That's why I asked you again."

"Ivan," Donna said curtly. "Someone tried to _rape_ me when I was twelve years old. What he said - and this is an exact quote, I remember this _very_ clearly - was 'I know you want it. Your no really means yes'."

"Are you accusing me of being a _rapist_?" Ivan asked incredulously.

"I am not accusing you of _being_ a rapist. I am accusing you of sounding _like_ a rapist. Now stop harassing my cousin!" 

Ivan huffed, and went away.

"I - I want to leave," Viola said.

"Yes, let's do that," Donna replied.

***

Ivan was really irritated. He had just _asked_ Viola out, and this was how she reacted. What a drama queen.

And Donna. Ivan was still upset about how she had embarrassed him months earlier, and now she was saying that he was some kind of rapist. Well, he certainly did not want to be around a woman like her.

***

"I am so sorry about what happened," Donna said. "I keep forgetting that - well, I'm sorry about how things turned out."

"Is it _common_ for Vorbarr Sultana men to act like him?" Viola asked.

"Sadly, yes."

"Is there something about me which makes them..."

"No," Donna insisted. "Men who want to be jerks will be jerks, no matter what you do. It is not your fault. _It is not your fault_."

Viola was silent for a moment. "I can't believe that someone tried to rape you when you were twelve," she finally said.

"It's all right," Donna replied. "Actually, it is all _wrong_ , and I'm still angry about it. What I meant is that _I_ am all right. I've had a lot of time to get over the trauma."

"But still, _someone tried to rape a twelve year old girl_ ," Viola said. "I am so glad that I am going to Komarr. I hope things are better there."

"I hope so too," Donna replied. "Though there are plenty of decent men in Vorbarr Sultana. Some are even a lot _better_ than decent."

"Ummm, about that," Viola said as she blushed.

"Yes?" Donna asked. "Is there a man you have _particular_ interest in?"

"On the contrary ... I think ... I think I'm a lesbian."

"Oh _really_ ," Donna said delightfully.

"I had hoped you would be okay with that."

"I'm not just _okay_ with that," Donna said. "I am a bisexual myself, you know." Donna changed her tone of voice. "Not that I am suggesting that anything should happen between us. I just say that to inform you that I am also ... not straight."

"Well, actually..." Viola said, "... I've never been, you know, with a _woman_ that way, and, well, you seem to know a lot about this, and ... and I trust you."

"I'm flattered," Donna said. She had always liked her cousin, but now she was becoming increasingly aware of how _cute_ Viola was.

"Instead of going to more dances ... I think I would like spend the rest of my time in Vorbarr Sultana ... having something happen between us."

Donna grinned. "I would be _happy_ to oblige. Now, if you could be more _specific_ about what you want..."

***

As Ivan was working, he felt someone touch his shoulder. He looked up, and saw it was General Lamitz.

General Lamitz smiled at him, and held some chocolates in his other hand. "These are for you."

Ivan took the chocolates wordlessly. He could not refuse a _general_ , could he?

As Ivan ate the chocolates, General Lamitz watched him intensely.

After Ivan finished eating, General Lamitz patted him on the shoulder, and then walked off.

Touching someone on the shoulder and giving them chocolates is not a big deal, Ivan thought to himself. It was nothing, really. And because it was nothing, it should not bother him. Of course he was not bothered, why would something like this bother him? He should just stop thinking about it already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> General Lamitz is mentioned in the first chapter of _The Vor Game_.


	2. Chapter 2

Ivan's life was going well. For the first time in his life, he got to live in his own apartment - and it was a bargain too. No bunkmates, and more importantly, his mother was not there either. He was also getting the hang of things at Operations. There was work, but not too much of it.

And General Lamitz kept on inviting Ivan to eat lunch with him in his office. The general always ordered food that was much better than what was available in the cafeteria, and Ivan never had to pay for it. Obviously, this was a good thing, and not something that Ivan should feel bad about. And Ivan made sure to cover up any feelings of discomfort he may have around General Lamitz by being especially deferential to him. Ivan did all kinds of extra little tasks which went beyond his official duties, such as brewing General Lamitz's coffee, to express his gratitude for General Lamitz's kind treatment. After all, if Ivan did not do these kinds of favors to pay back General Lamitz, the general might ask for a _different_ kind of favor ... not that anything like that would ever happen.

Shortly after he got back to his fantastic new apartment one evening, Ivan got a vid call from his mother.

"Nice flowers," Alys commented. "Did Tatya bring them?"

"Yeah she did ... wait a minute, I never told you about Tatya!"

"Ivan, I heard about it from Tatya's aunt."

That was the problem with Vor girlfriends - his mother would _always_ find out about them. Maybe Ivan should make it a policy to only date proles.

"I'm inviting Cordelia over tomorrow evening for dinner, and I was hoping you could join us. Tatya is invited too."

Ivan figured that it was easier to just accept right away rather than to try to resist the inevitable. "Yes, fine, I'll be there, and I'll bring Tatya."

***

"So how are things going at Operations?" Cordelia asked.

"Everything is ... fine," Ivan replied.

"Is there something that is bothering you over there?"

"N-nothing's bothering me," Ivan insisted.

Trust Aunt Cordelia to pick up on Ivan's slight hesitation. Not that there was anything _wrong_ with what was happening at Operations. Ivan was just reading too much into all of General Lamitz's gestures and comments. Talking about it with anyone, let along Aunt Cordelia, would be blowing things way out of proportion.

"Is it something embarrassing?" Cordelia asked.

Ivan knew that Cordelia was going to stay on his case until he revealed everything ... unless he distracted her.

"Miles called me the other day while I was on duty," Ivan said.

"Oh?" Cordelia responded.

"He tried to get me involved in one of his schemes!"

"What kind of scheme?" Alys asked.

"He wanted me to send him some ImpSec files!"

"Did you send them?" Alys asked sharply.

"Of course not - I literally cannot send out ImpSec files without authorization and the proper cable!"

Cordelia and Alys gave each other a look.

Cordelia sighed. "I had hoped that sending him all the way to Kyril Island would at least keep him out of this kind of trouble. Apparently, I was too optimistic."

"Excuse me," Tatya asked. "Who is Miles?"

"Lord Miles Vorkosigan, Aunt Cordelia's son," Ivan answered.

"Oh, _that_ Miles," Tatya replied. "Isn't he a ... a ..."

"He's not a mutie," Alys said flatly.

They talked about Miles for the rest of the evening. This was great for Ivan, because it meant he did not have to reveal that, earlier that day during lunch, General Lamitz had said "I'm jealous of your girlfriend, Ivan. I would be very happy if I could wake up next to you in bed."

***

A week later, Tatya told Ivan "I don't really want to continue this."

"Oh," said Ivan.

"You're hot, but, well, I don't think we are so compatible after all," she said. "We hardly talk to each other. You're not interested in my studies, and whenever I ask you about work, you act like there's some great secret which you dare not tell me."

"So you're breaking up with me?"

"Don't you _care_ about this relationship? It seems like you wouldn't mind it one bit if I _did_ break up with you!"

"If we aren't compatible, then yeah, we should break up," Ivan said.

Tatya stormed out of the apartment.

Ivan had been through so many break-ups that he expected to break up with every girlfriend he had at some point. He had girlfriends because he wanted sex on a regular basis. At the point that they wanted a more serious level of commitment from him, it _was_ time to break up.

The only thing which disturbed Ivan was that Tatya could tell that something was bothering him at Operations. That meant that he was not keeping his calm as well as he thought he had.

He was not going to tell anyone in his family about General Lamitz's behavior. Period. There was no way that would do any good. He especially did not want to talk to his mother, or Aunt Cordelia, or anyone about the possibility that a _man_ might look at him like...

Ivan decided he needed someone who would cut him down to size, tell him that he was seeing things in General Lamitz's behavior which were not there, and that he was making a mountain out of a molehill. 

And then Ivan realized who would do that for him.

Donna Vorrutyer had cut him down before. She would not doubt be willing to cut him down again. And she said that someone had tried to rape her when she was twelve. Compared to that, what General Lamitz was doing was nothing. She would beat it into Ivan's head that, since it was nothing like sexual assault, he had no business being bothered by the general's behavior. And then Ivan would stop feeling bothered by General Lamitz, and he could go on to have a totally unremarkable life as an ensign.

Most importantly, Donna would not tell his family. Or even if she did, she was not credible, and thus his family would not believe her anyway.

***

Donna sighed fondly as she thought about her fling with Viola Vortala.

Yes, Viola had been extremely inexperienced. However, thanks to Viola's sweet personality, educating her had been very pleasurable. Perhaps she should find another sweet young person to tutor in the ways of sex.

Donna wished she could tell her maternal grandfather Count Vortala all about what she had done with his precious little great-granddaughter. However, Viola had asked her to keep her sexual orientation private, so Donna settled for daydreaming about how her 'progressive' grandfather would react.

For all that her Vortala relatives claimed that they were more 'reasonable' than the Vorrutyers, Donna had always felt that her eccentricity came as from from her Vortala side as her Vorrutyer side. After all, none of her _Vorrutyer_ ancestors had declared a horse as their official heir. Though she had once suggested to her brother Pierre that he should make his horse Lord Vorrutyer...

"Lady Donna," Armsman Szabo said. "Lord Ivan Vorpatril has made three vid calls to Vorrutyer House, requesting to speak with you."

"Has he?" Donna replied. "What for?"

"He would not say."

"I suppose I should call him back, if only to tell him to stop it."

That is how Donna found herself making a vid call to Ivan.

"Donna!" Ivan responded. "Finally!"

"What is this about?" Donna asked curtly.

"I - I would rather tell you about it in person."

"And why should I bother?"

"Please ... I need you."

Was this some strange ploy on Ivan's part to get into Donna's pants? And yes, she _did_ wear pants when she could get away with it, and sometimes even when she could not. However, she could hear a note of desperation in Ivan's voice, and she doubted it was merely a desperate desire for sex. At the very least, she was _curious_ about what was going on.

"Would you like to meet at a café..."

"No - it has to be somewhere private."

"Fine, we can meet here at Vorrutyer House." If Donna was going to have a private meeting with Ivan, she wanted to make sure she could ask the armsmen to kick him out at any time. "When are you available?"


	3. Chapter 3

"And he's been running his fingers through my hair," Ivan finished.

"Do you _want_ him to do that?" Donna asked.

"Of course not!"

"Did you ask him to stop?" 

"I can't say no - he is a _general_."

This was not at all what Donna expected when she agreed to meet with Ivan.

"I am sorry that you are going through this," Donna said. "Is there any way I can help you?"

Ivan stared at her as his jaw dropped. Donna patiently waited for him to say something. Much as she loved to prod and poke people, this was _not_ the time for that.

"Is ... is that all you have to say?" Ivan finally asked.

"Is there something you would _like_ me to say?" Donna asked.

"Aren't you going yell at me?"

"Ivan, _why_ would I yell at _you_?"

"Because I'm making such a big deal about this! And I'm wasting your time."

Donna raised an eyebrow. "I think making a big deal about this is _justified_. And no, you are not wasting my time." Actually, in a certain sense, his self-blaming nonsense _was_ wasting her time. But she was not going to say that out loud.

"He's just being friendly to an ensign! I'm the one who has a dirty mind and is ascribing ... motives which probably aren't there. And since I have never _refused_ him, I don't have a right to complain. I'm not going to accuse a superior officer of something when ... when ... when he actually has done very little."

"Ivan, you are the one who is putting up with this, not me. If you think it's a big deal, then it _is_ a big deal. If you don't think it's a big deal, then it's ... not." Privately, Donna thought that General Lamitz's behavior was _wrong_. However, personal experience had taught her that telling a victim how they should feel about their victimization was a bad, _bad_ idea. "Though it seems that you feel it is important enough for you to come talk to me about it," she added. Since it was more of an observation than a judgement, it was relatively safe to say that.

Ivan was at a loss for words.

"Like I said, I am not in your shoes, and I do not understand the situation as well as you do," Donna said. In fact, she felt that she understood what was going on _much_ better than Ivan. She had witnessed too much sexual harassment, and been on the _receiving end_ of much sexual harassment. Yet it was _because_ she was so familiar with this kind of situation that she knew that questioning the victim's ability to understand their own feelings and their circumstances would only fuel their self-doubt. And self-doubt would make them even _more_ vulnerable to perpetrators. 

Donna continued. "Maybe telling yourself that this is nothing _is_ your best option." Donna hated that this might, in fact, be _true_ \- she had never directly experienced life in the military herself, and she did not know what Ivan's priorities were. "However, if that is how you want to handle this, I am afraid I cannot help you with that." She _almost_ phrased that as 'If you want to bury your head in the sand and say that there is no sexual harassment, count me out' but she restrained herself.

"But - but this is nothing compared to what _you've_ been through!" Ivan burst out.

"It does not matter how what you are going through compares to what I have been through. What is important is how _you_ feel about this and whether or not you _want_ General Lamitz to continue this."

Ivan was silent.

When it became obvious that Ivan was not going to continue talking, Donna pulled out a card. "Here, Ivan. You can use this to make a _private_ call to me directly, without being routed through the Vorrutyer House staff."

Ivan picked up the card, and then stood up. "I take my leave, milady."

Donna escorted Ivan out of Vorrutyer House.

She was _pissed_. She held her anger in check while Ivan was around because she knew that expressing her outrage would center her feelings rather than Ivan's feelings. And Ivan, being the victim, deserved to have his feelings come first.

But now she was free to express herself. She had several books by Manhooze Vorthys, a misogynist novelist from the Time of Isolation. She had never been able to read any of them all the way through without throwing them onto the wall at least six times. Now, she kept them exclusively for the purpose of tossing them when she was feeling angry. She was going to have a long book-throwing practice session.

She thought again about her conversation with Ivan. Why did she suddenly become _considerate_ and hold back her tongue so much when she was counselling victims of sexual harassment and abuse, when she hardly ever showed such restraint in the rest of her life? She certainly would not have coddled Ivan Vorpatril like this - or at all - if he had not approached her with _this_ problem.

She knew why. All those years ago, her cousin Byerly had _listened_ to her and told her that her feelings were _valid_. Perhaps this was her way of thanking the universe for sending her Byerly when she needed him most. Or maybe she was saying the things she wished someone had told _her_ when she was younger and much less wise. Or maybe she was simply doing what she felt was right.

***

Ivan returned to his apartment. A mere few weeks ago, he had been excited about finally having a place to himself, without his mother or bunkmates. Now it felt very empty, without even Tatya to keep him company. There was nothing to distract him from his thoughts.

Donna's reaction caught him completely off-guard. He had expected her to chew him out for making such a fuss over General Lamitz's behavior. Yet instead she had told him that his feelings _mattered_.

Ivan could not recall the last time anyone said that his feelings mattered. After all, he was Vor, and Vor did was they were supposed to do no matter how they felt about it. For example, Vor were supposed to obey their superior officers.

Aunt Cordelia occasionally acted as if Ivan's feelings mattered, but she had not been raised Vor.

The problem with paying attention to his feelings about how General Lamitz treated him was that he did not like what his feelings were telling him. 

He _felt_ violated, but if he _were_ violated, that would be a permanent blemish, tarnish on his manhood. He would never feel clean again. 

He did not want his manhood to be tarnished, therefore he could not let himself _think_ that he had been violated, even if he _felt_ violated. And thinking that what General Lamitz was doing was wrong was tantamount to admitting that he had been violated. Therefore, he could not let himself think that General Lamitz's behavior was wrong.

***

The next day, Ivan went back to Operations. As usual, he went to eat lunch with General Lamitz.

He saw that, instead of having one lunch on one side of the table, and the other lunch on the other side of the table, there were two lunches in front of General Lamitz.

"I was hoping you would sit on my lap today," General Lamitz said.


	4. Chapter 4

Donna was in the middle of a secure vid call with Ivan.

"Did you sit in his lap?" Donna asked.

"I ... I ... I didn't really have a choice." Ivan's cheeks were red. "I can't ... this is definitely weird."

"A common strategy used by -" Donna paused to think about which terms she wanted to use before she finished that sentence "- people who wish to _take liberties_ is to start by only going slightly past their targets' boundaries. The targets feel that, since their boundaries were only crossed _a little_ , that they should not complain. The next time those people cross those boundaries _again_ , they go a little further than before. The targets then tell themselves that, since their boundaries were only crossed a _little further_ than before, they are not going to make a fuss. This keeps happening until the boundaries breached to a large extent. Had the first transgression gone so far, the targets would have resisted immediately, but because the targets have been conditioned to let the perpetrators walk all over their boundaries, they yield."

"Like boiling frogs," Ivan said.

"Yes."

"Is that what you think General Lamitz is doing to me?"

"I am merely observing that it is a pattern. You know better than me whether this pattern applies to your situation."

Ivan did not respond to that.

***

Over the next few days, Ivan's life at Operations was much the same as it had been before. General Lamitz gave him chocolates, touched his shoulders, ran his fingers through his hair, ordered lunch for Ivan, and had Ivan sit on his lap during lunch.

Yet now, Ivan could not avoid thinking about this the way that Donna had suggested to him - that General Lamitz had carefully conditioned him so that he would not resist. Would he have sat in General Lamitz's lap if the general had asked him on his first day of duty?

Was it his fault that General Lamitz was doing this to him?

***

Donna sometimes had fantasies about nonconsensual sex. That was not a problem, as far as she was concerned. Fantasies which she kept to herself did not hurt anybody.

The problem was that she was having these fantasies about _Ivan Vorpatril_. She was imagining herself as being the one who was crossing his personal boundaries further and further, and conditioning him to submit to sexual activities he did not want.

She simply would have enjoyed the fantasy - if she did not know about what General Lamitz was doing to Ivan. But she did know. She did not know how far General Lamitz intended to go with his sexual harassment, but simply knowing that Ivan was, in reality, undergoing sexual harassment made taking pleasure from this fantasy feel _wrong_.

What General Lamitz was doing was _outrageous_. It was also _hot_. And finding it hot _disgusted_ her.

It was like the difference between watching professional performers pretend to sexually abuse each other in a porn vid, and watching ... some of the vids which her Uncle Ges had recorded.

She tried to change the fantasy, imagine that it was some other handsome young man who she was bending to her will and lust, yet the more she tried to shift the fantasy away from Ivan, the more stubbornly Ivan remained the object of her desire.

Well, since she could not seem to stop Ivan from starring in her sexual fantasy, she instead made it a fantasy about _gently_ and _consensually_ expanding his sexual horizons. That ... was surprisingly effective.

***

"Is it something I did?" Ivan asked. "Did I give off some kind of signal which made him..."

"No," Donna said firmly. "Ivan, Lamitz is responsible for his actions. Not you."

"But maybe if I..."

"Ivan. You are an _ensign_ , and Lamitz is a _general_ , as well as the _commanding officer_ of your _commanding officer_. I don't know what military regulations say, and quite frankly, I do not care - Lamitz should not be touching you without _very clear, affirmative consent_. And the fact that you have never said 'no' is _not_ affirmative consent."

"Still, if I behaved differently, he might ... he might have left me alone."

"I cannot read Lamitz's mind," Donna said. "But I can say this. I spent years asking if I was doing something which was inviting sexual abuse? Was I being too forward? Was I being too reserved? Was I too loud? Was I too quiet? That's partially because partially because people keep on blaming victims for being victims, but at least for me, there was another reason why I kept on trying to find a way to make it all my fault."

"What?"

"If I was, somehow, causing all of this abuse to be heaped on me, then that meant I could stop it. If only I could find that key, and lock the door, then I would be safe forever. When I realized that that _abusers_ caused abuse, not me ... it meant I would always be vulnerable, no matter what I did. Yes, I was able to stop blaming myself, but at the cost of realizing that I do not have absolute control over my life, that I am at the whim of fate. There is no key which will keep me safe. It was difficult for me, a Count's daughter, to face that."

Ivan was quiet as he digested that. "I know that General Lamitz's intentions are ... are not pure," he finally said. "It makes me feel all _dirty_ inside, like I am less of a man because ... because he's being perverted all over me."

"You are entitled to your feelings," Donna said. "However, from my point of you, you are entirely clean and whole in this matter. It is Lamitz who has been sullied."

"Donna ... I ... I don't know what to do," Ivan said.

"What do you want?"

"I want this to stop."

"What would happen if you told him to stop?"

"I ... he might find a way to get back to me?"

"How? Can he block a promotion or something?"

" _Yes_."

"And you care about being promoted?"

"Well ... not really."

"How else could Lamitz retaliate?"

"Maybe ... maybe he could find a way to kick me out of the military."

"Even with your considerable family connections?"

"Donna, _I am not going to tell my family about this_. That is final."

"So if you mysteriously got kicked out of the military, nobody in your family would investigate, and trace it back to Lamitz?"

Ivan gulped.

"Do you think Lamitz would _risk_ tangling with your family that way?"

"Probably not," Ivan admitted.

"Well, it seems that the worst Lamitz can do to you is block a promotion, and you do not care about that anyway," Donna said. "Is that a fair way to sum it up?"

***

It was so unfair that Ivan had to deal with this. Why did General Lamitz have to do this to him? If he were going to have a superior officer flirt with him, could it have at least be a hot officer from the women's auxiliaries? Though the only women's auxiliaries he had met so far were those hard-faced women who were going to transfer to the _Prince Serg_ for its maiden voyage - not at all his type. Now, if Donna Vorrutyer were an officer, and she had approached him...

Alas, that was not how it was. _Damn it!_

Ivan went to look up military regulations on sexual harassment.

***

As General Lamitz approached him, Ivan said "Sir, please do not touch me."

General Lamitz stopped, and his eybrows flew up.

"I do not want chocolate, and I do not want to each lunch with you today, sir," Ivan said. "I never want to eat lunch with you again, sir."

Ivan braced himself. He was ready to cite the regulations against 'lewd behavior' within the same chain of command, he was ready to point out that he was practically the emperor's foster brother. Just because he was never going to tell his family did not mean he could not _threaten_ to get his family involved.

Instead, General Lamitz just walked away. It was anti-climactic.

General Lamitz never talked to Ensign Ivan Vorpatril again.


	5. Chapter 5

"So General Lamitz has been leaving you alone," Donna said in the vid call. "That's great."

"Yeah," Ivan replied. He looked - and sounded - glum.

"Is there something wrong?" Donna asked.

"Well..." Ivan trailed off and did not complete the sentence.

"Is it something to do with General Lamitz?"

"No! At least, not directly."

Donna gave Ivan a moment, but Ivan did not elaborate. "You do not have to tell me if you do not want to," Donna said "but if you want to talk about it, I'll listen."

"Actually, I don't think you would want to listen," Ivan said.

Now Donna _really_ wanted to know what was going on, but she realized that pushing him might not lead to an answer. "Would you prefer to discuss it in person?" she asked.

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Well, you are welcome back here at Vorrutyer House." They arranged a meeting in two days time.

Now that General Lamitz had finally stopped harassing Ivan, Donna had something to do in the next couple of days.

***

Two days later at Vorrutyer House, they started with eating snacks, drinking wine, and small talk. As long as Ivan was not in a hurry to leave, Donna was not in a hurry to get answers.

Eventually, Ivan said "Thank you for everything Donna. I don't know how I would have gotten through this without you."

"You're welcome," Donna replied.

"Before this, I thought you were mean and, ummm, I thought some very rude things about you."

"Did you think I was a frigid bitch, a nasty slut, or an uppity cunt?" Donna inquired.

Ivan could not help spitting out some of his wine. "I don't want to say exactly what I thought of you, but I was wrong. You are a good person."

"Oh no, I'm not," Donna insisted. "I am a very _bad_ person, a viscous and dishonest manipulator. At best, I insult and tease people. I was only nice to you to lull you into a false sense of security."

"That's not true," Ivan said.

"Don't believe me?" Donna replied. "Just yesterday, I sent General Lamitz an anonymous message. I told him that it would be such a shame if the military courts, Emperor Gregor, and his own wife were to learn that he was engaging in 'lewd behavior' with men under his command. I suggested that, to prevent that unfortunate outcome, he would have to never engage in such 'lewd behavior' again."

"No - you didn't!" Ivan replied. "You literally could not - they screen messages going to him, and they would not let a message like _that_ go through."

"I called in a favor from a man who holds a high position in the military," Donna said. "The message got through."

"He - he is going to think that _I_ started this," Ivan said in horror. "Especially if you specifically threatened to tell Gregor."

"Good," Donna said. "That ought to frighten him."

"Why did you do this?"

"I want General Lamitz to be scared of doing what he did to you to _anyone_ ever again. Most ensigns do not have your powerful family connections, Ivan. They might have to submit to General Lamitz's 'lewd behavior' to continue their careers in the military." Donna sighed. "I was relieved to find that the military does in fact ban military officers from engaging in sexual behavior with men under their command. Could you imagine a young prole officer from a western district saying no to the sexual advances of, say, Admiral Count Vorkosigan."

"Donna, you did _not_ have to put that image in my head!" Ivan exclaimed.

"Of course I had to put that image in your head, otherwise how would I see how you react to it? My entertainment is more important that your comfort. You see Ivan, I am _not_ a nice or considerate person at all." 

"Maybe I'm also not a nice person," Ivan admitted sheepishly. 

Donna raised her eyebrow. This was not the direction she expected this conversation to take. 

"During that vid call the other day, I was thinking ... I've groped a couple of girls," Ivan said. 

"Did they want you to grope them?" Donna asked. 

"I don't know, I didn't really ask them. At the time, I wasn't thinking about their feelings at all, but now ... I wonder if I made them feel the same way General Lamitz made me feel." 

"Not having talked to these girls, I don't know how they felt," Donna replied. "But it is very possible that they felt violated." 

"I won't do it again," Ivan said timidly. 

"Good," Donna said firmly. "Groping people without their clear consent is bad, and not in an amusing way." 

"That girl at that dance who was crying and ran to you after I flirted with her, she..." 

"She did not feel safe around you," Donna said sharply. "Don't do that again either." 

"But ... I want to be with girls, you know? How can I pick up girls without making them feel ... you know..." 

"Make it clear that you'll take no for an answer," Donna said. "And if they do say 'no', actually _accept_ that answer." 

"But I don't want to encourage them to reject me..." 

"Ivan, even the girls who want to be with you will feel better if they think you'll respect their personal boundaries. Heck, it may make some girls _more_ willing to go with you. I know it's making me more willing to take you, Ivan." 

"Ummm ... what." 

"I want to do horribly sexy things to you, Ivan. You may say 'no', of course. See, I'm trying to be a good role model on how to ask for sex without turning it into sexual harassment." 

Ivan's mouth gaped a little before he asked "What do you mean by 'horribly sexy things'?" 

"For example, I have this new strap-on from Beta Colony. I'd like to put it on, and then stick it up your ass." 

"No!" Ivan said. 

"No problem, we won't do that. Would it be okay if I slipped a _finger_ up your ass - while wearing an appropriate glove, of course?" 

"Maybe," Ivan answered. "But what about - you know - real, ummm..." 

Donna rolled her eyes "Do you mean 'penis-in-vagina' sex?" 

"Yes!" 

"Yes, I would do that with you, but only if you give me oral sex first. I can teach you how I like people to suck my genitalia, of course." 

"Donna, ummmm... I don't think I've ever done that before. But I'm willing to try." 

"When?" Donna asked. 

"Now?" Ivan replied. 

"I would like to do this now too, but I think it would be much more comfortable in my bedroom. Will you come up with me?" 

Ivan had an eager look in his eyes. "Oh yes. Yes." 

And they went to Donna's bedroom.


End file.
